I remember the first time I received cruel feedback from a client. I’d been freelancing for a few months. Although I could see the client was belittling me because they were confused by the tracked changes, their brutal words hit like a gut punch, leaving me unsure of my skills. I knew I’d done good work but when they attacked my personality, not my work, I was profoundly crushed.

It’s been nearly a decade, and I thought I’d learnt how to deal with rude clients – with kindness, of course. But a few months ago, another client similarly attacked my personality and even added some degrading comments about my professional identity for good measure. I crumbled into that uncertain newbie once more. The worst part was that I unconsciously questioned every interaction and every facet of my work for all my clients for months afterwards. That’s how destructive cruelty can be.

I suspect that, regardless of how experienced I become, this kind of unnecessary brutality will always twist that knife. I imagine that this gnawing self-doubt, fuelled by cruel clients, could be something you’ve experienced too. Hope isn’t lost though because it’s how we deal with these unkind words while maintaining our professionalism that’s the key to our own happiness and success. So, let’s explore the ways we can stay professional in the face of these bullies: how to respond to unprofessional criticism with kindness and composure and how to process and overcome the negative emotions that arise from these interactions.

When criticism crosses the line from constructive to cruel

Working with clients is often a delicate balancing act of collaboration and critique. Some clients can quickly shift from receiving feedback openly to feeling threatened by it. There’s much that could trigger this turn that can’t be known by a text editor. A writer’s manuscript is deeply personal and any kind of critique could trigger defensiveness, leading them to lash out. However, there’s a difference between being defensive and crossing the line into cruelty.

When clients feel their vision’s been challenged or they don’t understand the value of your work, they may turn hostile, degrading you in the process. I worked with a self-publishing author once, a passionate writer who’d poured their heart into their manuscript. They came to me because they wanted an editor with self-publishing experience, and I tried my best to meet that expectation while providing an expert service. Despite the extra work this required from me, the author responded with hostility, accusing me – not my work – of ruining their story. ‘Do you even know how to edit?’ their email ended.

At that moment, I had two choices: I could snap back, allowing my hurt ego to write what would’ve been a scathing indictment of the client’s upbringing, which would’ve ended everything on a tremendously sour note; or I could take a breath, a little time, and respond professionally. I chose the latter. Here’s how you can do the same:

Step 1: Take a step back

When faced with unkind words – of any kind – the hurt feels personal and, naturally, you want to react in defence of yourself and your amazing abilities. However, stop. Pause. Take a moment.

The first rule in dealing with cruelty of any kind is to step back before responding. Give yourself time to cool off and detach emotionally. If you respond immediately, that hurt will lash out and cause hurt in return, creating a cycle of hurt begetting hurt, which never helps anything.

Remember, the client’s words probably come from their own insecurity or frustration. In the instance of the self-publishing author, I realised upon reflection that they’d written something so personal that any adjustment to their words would’ve affronted their self-perception. Ultimately, there was nothing I could’ve done that would’ve made this client happy.

So, take a deep breath, step away for a few hours and allow yourself some space to process. As painful as their words are, their remarks reflect their own mindset, not your skills.

Step 2: Acknowledge the client’s frustration without diminishing your own work

I took the time to process the self-publishing author’s comments. Because of this, I realised the extent of their investment, which made it easier for me to also recognise the behaviour for what it was: hurt pride. Stepping away for a while made it easier for me to craft my response in a professional way that didn’t lessen or apologise for my work.

It’s essential to strike a balance between acknowledging the client’s frustrations and maintaining your professional integrity. A response like ‘I understand that these changes may not have been what you expected and I appreciate your concerns’ shows empathy without devaluing the work you’ve done.

Importantly, don’t accept unmerited blame: if the client is upset because they feel challenged or insecure about their work, that isn’t in your control and therefore not your fault. Acknowledge their feelings but stand by the decisions you made as an editor. Doing this shows professionalism. But be cognisant that your words have power too. Find kind ways to say what you mean rather than hurtful ways to entrench your position. Sometimes, offering understanding can defuse a situation and steer a conversation back to the work at hand.

Step 3: Offer to clarify and collaborate

In many cases, harsh feedback from a client comes from misunderstandings about the editing process. This self-publishing author didn’t fully understand what she was asking for. Yet I also didn’t fully manage her expectations. Clients who are unfamiliar with how editors work can feel confused or overwhelmed. Offering to clarify your edits or have a call to discuss the feedback can sometimes shift the conversation from adversarial back to collaborative.

To this client, I said something along the lines of ‘I would be happy to walk through the suggested changes with you and discuss how they align with your goals for this manuscript.’ This not only showed I was willing to work together but also reinforced my expertise.

Step 4: Set boundaries if the cruelty persists

Unfortunately, not all clients respond kindly to diplomacy. This client of mine did not. They continued to thrust their unprofessional frustrations onto me, which again took its toll on my feelings about what I was capable of. Sometimes people don’t realise how their words hurt, and sometimes they use that hurt to their advantage. In these cases, it’s important to set clear boundaries.

You might say something like, ‘Thank you for your response. I value open communication but, respectfully, please remember that we are discussing the work I have completed for you. I am happy to schedule a call so that we can clarify your concerns about the manuscript and find a solution together.’

Setting boundaries protects your mental well-being and signals that you expect professionalism on both sides. (The reinforcement of my willingness to collaborate also tries to take the tensions back to Step 3.) If a client can’t adhere to such terms as respect and a focus on the work, it may be time to walk away. Ending a toxic client relationship can be difficult, but necessary for your well-being and professional self-confidence.

Step 5: Choose your words wisely

If the client’s work still requires attention or if they’ve asked for further clarification, responding with continued kindness and professionalism can diffuse the situation. Even when you feel hurt, using constructive language and offering alternatives shows your commitment to the project’s success. And, after all, isn’t the project’s success the reason we do our work?

So avoid responding in a defensive manner or mirroring the client’s aggression. Stick to objective, solution-oriented feedback that reaffirms your role as a professional editor.

Working through negative emotions

Even when you respond with grace, the hurt from cruel words can linger. Here are five ways that have helped me work through toxic emotions instead of suppressing them:

  1. Talk it out with a trusted colleague or mentor. Discuss your experience with someone who understands your work and your passion, because it could give you perspective. Sometimes just knowing that others have faced similar situations can lighten the emotional load.
  2. Reframe the criticism, as difficult as this might seem. Try to see the client’s outburst as a reflection of their emotional state rather than an observation of your abilities. Remember, their cruelty reflects their own fear or frustrations with their work or personal life. Understanding their feelings could give you perspective too.
  3. Do something that’s your kind of self-care. After receiving harsh feedback, taking time for yourself can help you to reset and reframe the hurt, or even to let it go. I like to go for walks while listening to sci-fi podcasts. With their wild action and multiple dramatic narratives, these stories leave little time to focus on my own plight. You may find rejuvenation in knitting, reading, sitting in the garden or even taking a day off. Just be sure to prioritise yourself.
  4. Revisit any positive feedback you’ve received, which is something you should do often anyway. I’m working on a rotating gallery on my website of unsolicited positive things that clients have said about my work. Having that visual reminder helps to refocus my mind on the good I do, the appreciative people I’ve helped and the excellent work I can continue to do.
  5. Set professional intentions. Take this as an opportunity to evaluate your communication strategies and set guidelines for how you want to handle difficult clients in the future. Aim for the right mixture of firm but kind, reinforcing your commitment to professionalism without sacrificing your self-worth.

A kinder editor, a stronger professional

No matter how seasoned an editor you are, dealing with cruel people can be emotionally taxing. However, by stepping back, responding with kindness and empathy, setting boundaries and working through toxic emotions in healthy ways, you can maintain both your professionalism and your mental well-being. By responding thoughtfully and compassionately, you could help others grow from the experience too. As editors, we aren’t just caretakers of the written word but of our own creativity and self-worth. And that deserves protection too.

 

Cover photo: Pexels | Bich Tran

The views expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of PEG.

About Robyn Veary

Robyn calls herself the Original Sunshiny Grammarista of Sunshine Edits. She established this company in 2015 to assist writers of all disciplines and genres, and with all levels of experience, to improve their writing through educational and helpful text editing. To those who know her, it was scarcely a surprise that she founded such a company, whose main focus is using language correctly, for she developed a love of correcting people’s grammar (Yes, she’s one of those people!) that led to a talent for helping writers with their written words and a love of creating her own. She has self-published two novels and hopes to have more published in the coming years. Text editing is how she helps others like herself – writers who want to write better.

Visit Robyn’s website here: https://sunshineedits.com/

About PEG

The Professional Editors’ Guild (PEG) is a non-profit company (NPC) in South Africa. Since moving to online activities in March 2020, PEG has been able to offer members across South Africa, and internationally, access to an extensive online webinar programme. Continuing professional development remains a key offering and the first PEG Accreditation Test was administered in August 2020 to benchmark excellence in the field of editing.